Miscarriage
Joules Z.
October 2015



I'm drowning in the blood of the dead living flesh I've become.
As I lay down all exhausted ideas and ideals to rest,
My broken mind and body pathetically victimized becomes numb as though I'm dumb.
I'm done, finished, complete, completely destined to have failed the test.

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The rush of the gush of expunged flesh flushed down the toilet of life turned to death.
Drained of the sick representation of nonsensical relationship empty of support.
With the sharpest of shears, for years, I've severed my entire absent family ties to save my breath. 
Failing to find a single sane and sober loving family of my own, my repulsed stressed body sought to spontaneously create and abort.

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Goodbye father who wasn’t there beyond scary mental scars of drunken violence, the normal that I know and attract from unsupportive lovers.
Goodbye mother who couldn’t listen beyond criticism, belittlement, without consideration for loving concern.
Why should I be there for you, when I won’t have anyone there for me to tuck me under cozy covers.
Goodbye family as I need to learn to live a future without my own never created family relations as these bridges I burn.

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Riding on the whirlwinds of hormone induced tidal waves of a burning red blood bath.
Panicking, pleading for help to be denied in frozen accusation, not a single hand to hold while seeking emergency care.
Empty of empathy, reciprocity, remorse, paternal nourishment, you do the math.
Alone again amongst support groups of strangers without anyone to really truly be there.

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Overtly appreciative of my animal family and the animal people that saved them from near death pain.
And the leaps in opportunities of change with destitute desperate remains of belief in humanity.
While futilely sweeping the dead leaves in the dark dust storm wishing to wash away the rain.
Of constant self sacrifices in perpetual crisis without fair gain in this game that only wins self pity, while assembling some semblance of sanity.